Thursday, May 28, 2009

Grateful



I'm just thinking tonight about how grateful I am to be a mom and to have the three beautiful and amazing daughters I have. I have been truly blessed with 3 healthy and happy children. However, Joey and I have suffered losses. I have to admit we're going through a trial right now, our 4th miscarriage in our marriage. This makes more miscarriages than normal pregnancies, which I admit is a bit unsettling to me. And this, as most of you know, is our second one within the year:( Not cool, but I'll be okay.



I had debated blogging about it for a few reasons, one of them being I don't want to be a downer. The other reason is that I don't want people to think I'm fishing for "I'm sorrys" and pity and stuff like that(though any sweet comments you want to leave I wouldn't mind:) Gosh, I'm selfish! :) But the real reason is that this is my online public journal of sorts and I really feel that I need to write my feelings down. Its for me and its for anyone else who has experienced this. Its also for others that haven't. I think its good to share experiences, the good AND the bad. Sometimes I get comments from people in person or on the blog that make me feel like they think our life is pretty close to perfect(I mean I do believe I have a wonderful life, but its not just what you see here!). Well, here is the proof that it isn't. I usually only put the "good stuff" in life on the blog because thats what I try to focus on. When I sit to do a post, it helps me to see the wonderful things in my life and I'm able to share them with you. I mean who wants to hear about the time I lost my temper with the kids or the day I had a migraine or the day when I just wanted to just stay in bed and do absolutely nothing? The plain truth is, life unfortunately isn't perfect. At the ward breakfast I just blogged about, I honestly wasn't feeling too great that morning and I already had a feeling I would miscarry soon(You couldn't tell that from my post though because posts only tell the story you want to tell. Thats the beauty of blogging. You can leave out the crappy stuff!)But I acted like everything was fine. Thats what you do sometimes. You put on a front and act. I'm good at joking to try to make myself feel better sometimes. I don't like to show my true feelings outwardly. I don't want to make people uncomfortable. Anyways, we did have a good time at the ward activity, but when we got home, I was sad. I knew the miscarriage was coming. And the rest of the day wasn't spectacular. I was a worried mess. And my feelings and instincts were right, I had reason to worry. Because just two days later(last night), I started to miscarry.



I'm not going to say its an easy thing to go through-its not. I'm not going to sugar-coat it and say I haven't cried and that I'm totally fine. It makes you sad, it makes you depressed, it makes you question things you may have done wrong to cause it(even though deep down you know its not your fault, you can't help thinking about every little thing you did the week prior), it makes you mad, it makes you cry, it even makes you laugh so hard at something that all of the sudden you are crying, but there are other things too...they aren't all bad. A loss like this helps you realize even more what a precious gift a child is. It helps you to look at your children in a new way and hug them a little bit tighter. It gives you more empathy and understanding to others who have suffered in the same way. It helps you learn to lean on others. It draws you closer to your spouse as you lean upon each other. It helps you to become more grateful. It helps you realize how there is so much good in people when so many people reach out to you to help. And most of all, it teaches you to rely on the Lord. If we didn't have trials, then we wouldn't learn and grow. Our trials make us stronger. I truly believe that.



I'm sad today as I was really hoping this pregnancy would make it, but I have faith that we will have a child when the time is right. I know we'll get through this and I know the Lord has a plan for me and our family's growth. We just need to be patient, right? I'll end with just saying again that I'm grateful. As hard as it may seem to say that right now, I really am. I'm not saying I'm not sad and that this week hasn't been hard, but I am grateful for the wonderful things in my life. Despite this setback, I'm still focused on the tremendous blessings Joey and I have in our marriage. Namely: Aubrey, Ella & Cali. Though one door closes, I know another will open.

27 comments:

jOeY said...

Beautiful post honey. We are so blessed to have our three little angels. I love you!

Marie said...

Holly, I am so sorry to read this. I was really rooting and praying for you. Joey is right this is a beautiful post. As bloggers we have a responsability to our readers to keep it real, and yet at the same time, somethings are personal and raw, and sometimes you just don't feel like sharing them with anyone. You have a beautiful family there. You are truly blessed in countless ways. "For I know the plans I have for you." declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Sometimes we just have to rest in the promises of the Lord and know that He does have a plan for each one of us. I send hugs and love, and prayers. XXOO

becki said...

This was beautiful. Thank you for reminding me how special my girls are and lucky I am to have them.
I pray that you have another spirit waiting to call you mom and I hope that you'll meet soon.

Jan the crazy lady said...

You are such a beautiful mother. I can so tell how much you adore your family and your purpose. Love on momma girl.

Tara D said...

I was heartbroken when I first found out this was going on, I really was. But yes, you're are so blessed to have the three beautiful girls you have now. And I do have faith that another little angel is waiting to join the family, when the time is just right. Hang in there, Holly! I love you!!!!

Devri said...

OH little lady, sooo sorry to hear, I know what you mean, truly I do. 5 miscarriages for me, and a still born(the twin if that is what you call it)? But yes, I like you have 7 beautiful healthy tikes at home. Your girls are beautiful, don't stop trying, the Lord does things for reasons. I have always miscarriages are the worst, you go through 3 days of labor with nothing to hold when you are finished.. It sucks, but you are a strong woman, you will go on and have a dozen more.

hugs to you my friend.

Anayansi said...

thanks for that heartfelt post. you said so much in such few words.

i know that the Lord has a special little someone waiting to join your family. He has a reason for all things, and your faith and trust in Him is such an amazing example.

ACDC2005 said...

Such a heartfelt post. I felt the same as you when I posted about the last one. Having miscarriages takes such a toll on you in so many ways, so take some time for yourself and enjoy your family as it is now. Continue to trust in the Lord and he will help all of you get through this and will bring a spirit down when the time is right. Just think though, you have so many righteous babies in your family waiting for you! :) That's what I like to think about anyway. You are in my thoughts and prayers! I'm cheering for you! Love ya!

Stephanie said...

Thanks for sharing your heartbreaks as well as your joys. We all have them. I have never had a miscarriage, but I know they bring sorrow into a home. Just know that you are loved and in many prayers. It's okay to have your bad moments, just keep looking for some more good ones to come your way.

100 Percent Cottam said...

i know i already said so on your facebook, but just wanted to say again how sorry i am and send some HUGS your way. no one would be a better mama to tons of little babies than you would, and i know they'll come your way eventually. you rock! hang in there.

Amanda said...

I am so sorry to hear that I had no idea. I do remember when my water broke with Matthew at 27 weeks. I just sat on the bathroom floor getting ready to have the baby there. I though I was loosing him. And then to have him in the hospital so sick and for so long, it was all such a trial. But I am stronger because of it and I take NOTHING for granted. Every word that comes from his mouth makes me so happy. We celebrate everything and take nothing for granted. The chance of me having a term baby are little to none, even if I have surgery. So I understand that unsettling feeling. That is also why I love the gospel, I got so much comfort from Heavenly Father. And the trial with Matthew made me SO grateful for my healthy children. You are in my thought and prayers :)

hoLLy said...

thank you SO much everyone. i am doing well and your comments all brought much-needed smiles! love you!

Amiee said...

hi. i am a friend of Becki Johnson and she gave me the link to your blog. I have a 19 month old son, and i just had my first miscarriage at 9 weeks. It was nice to read your experience. I have come out of this MUCH MUCH MUCH more grateful for my life, my baby boy, and my husband. Funny how it does make you appreciate those things. Thank you for sharing your story.

joeAMANDAcolemolly said...

You are a great writer, and yes, this did make me cry. I have so much to learn from you!

the duchess said...

I am a crap friend.

And don't argue with me. Here I am catching up on blogging after a hectic week and reading your heart-felt struggles. And I repeat: I AM A CRAP FRIEND. Holly, you are seriously my hero. Your bravery and honesty in the face of this storm is beyond admirable. I cannot even image what you've been going through. I do know, however, that when you come out the other side of this trial you will have been refined. It just reminds me of one of my favorite scriptures, "Be still and know that I am God". So simple and yet so complex.

There are so many statements in this stirring post that I'd like to speak to if you don't mind. Funny how that works, isn't it. I will repent and work on being a better friend. I promise. xoxo

hoLLy said...

amiee, thank you so much for stopping by and commenting. i'm so sorry for your loss:( its tough. hope you are doing okay and hangin in there. lots of love! hoLLy

hoLLy said...

and sarah, whatever girl-you are a great friend! you can stop repenting now:)

Jan said...

I'm sorry to read this -- lots of hugs and prayers for you and the family!

Pedaling said...

i hope today is a brighter day.
hang in there.
it's good to remember to focus on the positive and what a blessing to understand somewhat there's a bigger picture her.
what a beautifully written post.
thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.
love you.

Patty said...

The rough times do make us more grateful for our many blessing that sometimes we tend to take for granted. I'm glad you are able to see the good in your life and I know you will have more children, I guess it just isn't the right time now. We have to trust that the Lord knows what we need and He is in control of all.
All my Love,
MOM

Erica said...

I love you. You are so honest and real and completely perfect. You never fail to amazing me, impress me, and inspire me. I really mean that. Even if I suck at commenting, I love reading everything you write. Sending prayers and hugs your way sexy lady!!

HIRSCHI FAMILY said...

You are truly blessed with a wonderful husband and 3 absolutely gorgeous girls. I am so glad you are strong in the gospel and can have a positive outlook on life and even trials. You are such a strong women and I truly admire your strength and testimony. I am so grateful to have you as a friend and example. You will get through this and you will have the big family you have always pictured, just put your faith in Heavenly Fathers plan and all will be the way it should be! I love you and your sweet family!

Becca said...

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I know it wasn't easy to experience or easy to share, but in doing so, you have touched me. It makes you seem so much more real, and strong and makes me appreciate you so much more. Your honesty is admirable and while your pain is heartbreaking, your attitude is refreshing. Those three girls and Joey are beyond blessed to have such a positive and strong influence in their lives. Keep smiling and keep being silly. You'll get number four some day.

cyndi/mom/nana said...

Always in our prayers and so well written. I too am grateful for you-Joey, Holly, Aubrey, Ella, and little Cali. Missing five little angels.

Laura said...

I'm so sorry, Holly. I knew about the previous miscarriage, but not this one. I'm sure you're heartbroken, and I'm heartbroken for you. You seem to be so blessed though, not just with a great family, but with a great attitude, and I know you'll be o.k.

tiburon said...

I am so sorry to hear this. I wish there is something I could do to help you.

You are tremendously blessed.

This was a beautiful post :)

Amanda said...

Wow, talk about opening the flood gates!!! Thanks for linking this to me. It was perfect for me to read today. And you said it just right. Thank you Holly.