I'm just thinking tonight about how grateful I am to be a mom and to have the three beautiful and amazing daughters I have. I have been truly blessed with 3 healthy and happy children. However, Joey and I have suffered losses. I have to admit we're going through a trial right now, our 4th miscarriage in our marriage. This makes more miscarriages than normal pregnancies, which I admit is a bit unsettling to me. And this, as most of you know, is our second one within the year:( Not cool, but I'll be okay.
I had debated blogging about it for a few reasons, one of them being I don't want to be a downer. The other reason is that I don't want people to think I'm fishing for "I'm sorrys" and pity and stuff like that(though any sweet comments you want to leave I wouldn't mind:) Gosh, I'm selfish! :) But the real reason is that this is my online public journal of sorts and I really feel that I need to write my feelings down. Its for me and its for anyone else who has experienced this. Its also for others that haven't. I think its good to share experiences, the good AND the bad. Sometimes I get comments from people in person or on the blog that make me feel like they think our life is pretty close to perfect(I mean I do believe I have a wonderful life, but its not just what you see here!). Well, here is the proof that it isn't. I usually only put the "good stuff" in life on the blog because thats what I try to focus on. When I sit to do a post, it helps me to see the wonderful things in my life and I'm able to share them with you. I mean who wants to hear about the time I lost my temper with the kids or the day I had a migraine or the day when I just wanted to just stay in bed and do absolutely nothing? The plain truth is, life unfortunately isn't perfect. At the ward breakfast I just blogged about, I honestly wasn't feeling too great that morning and I already had a feeling I would miscarry soon(You couldn't tell that from my post though because posts only tell the story you want to tell. Thats the beauty of blogging. You can leave out the crappy stuff!)But I acted like everything was fine. Thats what you do sometimes. You put on a front and act. I'm good at joking to try to make myself feel better sometimes. I don't like to show my true feelings outwardly. I don't want to make people uncomfortable. Anyways, we did have a good time at the ward activity, but when we got home, I was sad. I knew the miscarriage was coming. And the rest of the day wasn't spectacular. I was a worried mess. And my feelings and instincts were right, I had reason to worry. Because just two days later(last night), I started to miscarry.
I'm not going to say its an easy thing to go through-its not. I'm not going to sugar-coat it and say I haven't cried and that I'm totally fine. It makes you sad, it makes you depressed, it makes you question things you may have done wrong to cause it(even though deep down you know its not your fault, you can't help thinking about every little thing you did the week prior), it makes you mad, it makes you cry, it even makes you laugh so hard at something that all of the sudden you are crying, but there are other things too...they aren't all bad. A loss like this helps you realize even more what a precious gift a child is. It helps you to look at your children in a new way and hug them a little bit tighter. It gives you more empathy and understanding to others who have suffered in the same way. It helps you learn to lean on others. It draws you closer to your spouse as you lean upon each other. It helps you to become more grateful. It helps you realize how there is so much good in people when so many people reach out to you to help. And most of all, it teaches you to rely on the Lord. If we didn't have trials, then we wouldn't learn and grow. Our trials make us stronger. I truly believe that.
I'm sad today as I was really hoping this pregnancy would make it, but I have faith that we will have a child when the time is right. I know we'll get through this and I know the Lord has a plan for me and our family's growth. We just need to be patient, right? I'll end with just saying again that I'm grateful. As hard as it may seem to say that right now, I really am. I'm not saying I'm not sad and that this week hasn't been hard, but I am grateful for the wonderful things in my life. Despite this setback, I'm still focused on the tremendous blessings Joey and I have in our marriage. Namely: Aubrey, Ella & Cali. Though one door closes, I know another will open.