Sunday, February 01, 2015

Oh, are amazing and wonderful yet confusing and difficult all at once.

That perfectly describes me lately.

So, I've been struggling lately with a lot of different emotions in my life. I blame pregnancy for being a bit more weepy than usual. My poor hubs... :) But still these feelings are real. I'm sure EVERY mom struggles with the same thoughts I have sometimes. I'm sure of that, yet I feel alone in my struggles some days. Lately, I've been down on myself. I feel like what I do on a day to day basis gets undone almost immediately. I clean clothes..only for them to be worn the next day and dirty all over again. I vacuum and mop the floors only for my kids to track in a mess 10 minutes later. I wipe off the table after lunch only for it to be sticky and crummy again after my kids eat snacks after school. When my husband gets home from work, I feel like some days there is NOTHING to show for what I've done. Some days I wake up and think what am I doing today other than cleaning and taking kids places? Whelp, um, that's what I'm doing. It feels so much like circles some days.

I stupidly compare myself to other moms. Too much. We as women do this waaaaay too much. Its hard not to. The other day I had something to drop off at a friends home and when she answered the door, her makeup was perfect, her hair done, and she was even sporting a stylish apron as the smell of freshly baked cookies wafted in the air. I thought, seriously?! If someone was to come to my door unannounced, you know what they'd see?  It'd be me with no makeup on, unattractive sweat pants and old lady orthotic slippers that I have to wear because of plantars fasciitis (don't be jealous y'all). And probably nothing in the oven. Well, other than a "bun" ;)

And then there are the, "Who am I?" feelings. I know who I am from a spiritual perspective. I really do. I am a daughter of God. I have goals and dreams and am doing everything I can to attain them for myself and my family. And I know my value as a Mom is priceless. I love being a wife and mom more than ANYTHING in the world. My husband and children are precious to me. I find so much joy in what I'm doing despite the rough days. But what I'm saying is something more shallow I, what am I good at? What do I really enjoy other than being a Mom and wife? When I'm asked what my hobbies are these days, I'm sorta at a loss. I really am just taking care of everyone right now. That's my season in life I guess. But then I see other moms who have kids AND have hobbies. What?! I have a friend who works out religiously every day. I'm just not motivated in that way. I have a friend who decorates cakes LIKE A BOSS. I don't have the patience to do that. I know someone whose house is always immaculate. Well, my house is mostly clean. Most of the time :) I know someone who can decorate amazingly. My house is kinda plain I think. I know someone who cooks seriously gourmet food. Well, I cook and my family likes what I cook.  But its not gourmet and not something I'd call a talent. I don't sew but I make a little something here and there. I just sorta dibble and dabble in a little bit of everything. But I don't have a "thing" that I feel I'm good at. And right now I feel like I need something, something just for me. So I'm searching for that. My husband says that I blog and that's my thing. And I do enjoy it. But I almost feel like that isn't a real thing...hahaha. I do enjoy writing but its not something concrete I feel? I don't know. I know, this is dumb. I shouldn't feel like that.

Am I having a 3rd trimester hormonal identity crisis here!? Geez. :)  Even though I've spilled some personal thoughts of mine here today on this blog of mine that maybe I'll regret(I feel so naked right now!), I hope other mamas reading this know they aren't alone with any of these feelings.  I sure have them some days! I've had people actually make comments to me( in real life) that I am it all together..I have lots of friends...etc. Um, I don't feel that way. At all. I think the lens we look at other people through sometimes is very distorted and we have social media to thank for a lot of that I believe(hence the picture I posted above:). I know that the woman with her makeup all did, the cute apron donned and makeup perfectly applied isn't always that way. I just came on a good day(and then I have to remind myself also-her youngest of three kids is 14! Not 2!) I have to remind myself every day that I am good at things..I just have a hard time finding what those are some days :) Motherhood is so overwhelming at times that it makes you feel stripped of your identity-ya know, the one you had before you became a Mom. I used to have hobbies-I played tennis, read, loved school/learning/making good grades, art, etc. I still love those things but they've taken the back burner. I have to remind myself that someday I will be able to do those things more avidly again. And when that day comes, you know what? Its ironic really. I'm going to miss my babies. I'm going to yearn to have them little again. I won't give a crap about playing tennis or having the time to sit and read a book! BECAUSE WHAT I'M DOING NOW IS MORE REWARDING, BRINGS ME GREATER JOY, AND IS WHAT GOD SENT ME HERE TO DO. I am a mother and that is the greatest thing I can be. In the day to day of it, it feels sometimes unrewarding and just exhausting. But I receive blessings and rewards each day that trump anything out there. I get wet kisses, a 4 year old asking me to marry him all of the time, shopping trips with my daughters, lots of "i love you"s and "you're the best mom ever!"s :) I have a husband that tells me daily that dinner was delicious and the house looks clean(even when neither is true!). This time in my life with a young family is precious, how could I ever think otherwise? In the thick of it, its hard to sit back and see it but I have a goal to try and do that more. I need to be happy with where I am right now because the present really is a gift. So moms, if you are feeling lost, feel like a mess, or don't feel appreciated, just know we all feel this way. You aren't alone in this. The world needs us mothers. Keep your head high. Remember you are shaping and molding the world and future generations. If you don't have time to shower today, oh well! If you aren't the best cook, who cares? I need to remember this more often and stop tearing myself down already! I am important. Our job as mothers is to love and to teach. And really, what is more important than that? NOTHING.


Unknown said...

Okay, so I sooooo needed that today. I was going to write a similar post, saying how down in the dumps I've been lately, so I was relieved to read this. Mom asked me the other day, "is being a mother what you thought it would be?". I kinda was speechless; didn't know how to respond to it really. Yes and no, I suppose. But, a lot of what you've said, rings true with me. And I only have ONE kid, lol. I feel a little lost, too, unsure if I'm doing anything right. It's hard. But I love it, too. I love my son. He keeps me laughing and on my toes. I'm not looking forward to him growing up though. As tough as it is most days, I'm going to miss my little baby when he's all grown. :-(

Unknown said...

Also, I have to say I've seen you at home and in action. I've always thought you have always been so put together, always wearing the cutest outfits, taking amazing care of those kids, always planning the neatest activities for them (the ones they will cherish forever). You work your booty off, and it shows. I'm always in awe of what a wonderful mother you are. So don't for a second feel like you need a hobby to be a super mom. Hobbies are for losers. Okay, okay, just kidding. Just wanted to type that. Made me giggle. But really, you do a little bit of everything. That's better than have a hobby. You're a woman of many talents! ! And don't you forget it!

Marie Rayner said...

Holly, I haven't commented in so long, but I always read. You have the most beautiful family and you are the best mom ever. I really think you are. I can remember the days when I had five young ones in my home and how very busy those days were and how I often felt like I was just barely treading water. Days when I just wanted to sink to the bottom. Days when I didn't think I was making much difference at all. Much of the time because my husband was in the army I was on my own. It was really, really hard, but you know what? I am sitting here today staring 60 in the face in August, with five grown up well adjusted children and a quiver full of grandchildren and I would give all the peace and quiet and tidy house I enjoy now all up to just have five more minutes of that chaos that was their growing up years. I know you may get sick of hearing it, but these are the best years. You do a fabulous job. If the kids are clean and fed and healthy and loved and happy, nothing else matters. xxoo

hoLLy said...

these comments are the best ever. thanks yall! i love you both!